The Week Before

It is The Week Before. Six weeks ago when I intentionally, but tearfully decided with my husband to pursue IVF and set the date for Mid-March 2017, I wondered how I would be doing The Week Before. How am I doing? Well…I am not entirely sure how to answer that question. Extraordinarily proud of myself and my family. That’s what first comes to mind. Together, we have endured and grown stronger. We’ve learned how to take better care of our physical selves, as well as our emotional selves…we communicate our needs and try our best to respect one another. Daily, we discuss what we are grateful for and make that a cornerstone within our family values. And we apologize and forgive. Forgiveness has been one of my own personal greatest teachers throughout this whole process. I have needed to forgive myself on repeat, practically, as I adjust and adapt to what infertility has meant for me and my family. So, I feel a lot of pride in the silver linings that all of this has presented not only to me, but to my husband and my daughter. Today, I have healthier eating habits, I’m sleeping better, my body aches less, I’m less emotionally reactive, I’m able to workout at higher intensities, I’m able to self-soothe through various mind-body techniques I’ve learned, I’m writing consistently (obviously!), I’m reading more than I am watching t.v., I’ve clearer boundaries with other people, and I like being with myself. All of these realities make me a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and neighbor.

There’s more. I am also feeling sad and scared. I’m sad because I know that soon I will have to have a talk with my body. I will have to explain to her that we are no longer in charge. We’ve put up a good fight and we’ve been through so much. I’ve asked her to adapt to new diets, workouts, medications, treatments, and procedures. And she’s come along with me willingly. Always there, always trying to keep up. And now I have to let her know that we have to take a backseat together and ride this wave…together. We have lost control of what’s about to happen physically (and probably emotionally), but we can fight and endure. I’m sad to tell my body that we did the best we could, but it wasn’t enough. There is deep sadness around the grief I feel as I tell her that we tried, but we didn’t do it. It turns out that we need even more help. But, help is on the way. And that’s where the fear comes in. I’m afraid of how my body will respond or not each step of the way. I have the natural concern regarding the medications, the pain of the procedures and the injections, as well as the overarching fear of, ‘what if THIS doesn’t work?’…but my true fear is in not feeling like myself. I am afraid to lose myself, even if only temporarily.

I suppose, that’s ‘how I am doing’ in The Week Before IVF begins. And I know that I am ready.