Today is Day 1 of IVF (again). Life has moved forward since I was last in this spot. My body has shed a cyst, began a menstrual cycle, tolerated the Nuva Ring for 16 days and a endured a hysteroscopy. Hands down, the hysteroscopy was my least favorite part of all of this. While results were positive (yay!), I had to remember my labor breathing while they practically inverted me on a chair and forced saline and a scope into my uterus. Pure suck. ‘The pain experienced varies for each woman.’ This is what I was told before my feet and ass were sent to the sky. And actually, I enjoyed the woman who performed this procedure and overall it was a positive experience. It just hurt like hell for about 5 minutes. I began the familiar steroid pill this morning and tomorrow I will go into our clinic, pay our large bill, and wait with my husband to have my blood drawn and the ultrasound that will either prompt us to move forward…or not.
I feel rather apathetic about the appointment tomorrow, really. I don’t expect good news, but I hope for it. Mostly, just so we can move forward. I am not planning on this news, though. I halfway expect another delay. I will be pleasantly surprised if I have not ovulated through this birth control they insisted would do the trick. I will also be a little amused if I did ovulate again because it sort of feels like a big ‘F YOU!’ that my body is sending to their protocol. Like it’s telling them, ‘You think you’re so smart with your pills, and your hormones, and your plans…well, I’m gonna do what I AM GONNA DO!’ And then I remember that I need her to behave, so my smirk turns to a gentle scold in the same way that I have to remind my daughter to wear more than her underwear when we leave the house. I am amused, but I am also responsible for following some rules. If only my body would listen half as well as my toddler!
It isn’t just me that has been in motion over the past couple of months, my people have too. I’ve witnessed babies being born to beautiful mothers. We’ve celebrated milestones in our daughter’s life as she moved from her pre-school classroom to the pre-kindergarten classroom. And I watched in amazement as she learned to swing all by herself by pumping those tiny, but strong little legs. New commitments have been made in my brother’s personal life and I’ve never seen him happier. I never knew how much my own happiness was impacted by his. Deeper love and connection has been found within my marriage as I learn more about my husband through his perspective on our life together and its happenings. I have kept my Begonia plant alive for 1 month! My parents are recovering their home from the accident/intrusion that occurred this past spring. My mother-in-law is similarly rebuilding as she transitioned home from the hospital and is working to regain her body’s strength. All around me I am aware of people living, dreaming, and moving in different directions. Endings, beginnings, and everything in between…all around me all the time. I am grateful to be a witness to this life. I am grateful to see so many people enduring and thriving despite their own pains. It gives me hope and makes me feel stronger.
As I head into what will undoubtedly be an emotional day tomorrow, I hope to remember that we are enduring by nature. Human beings were designed to be resilient and that even the smallest thing that provides hope will keep me moving forward. Even if that hope is as small as my daughter laughing during my bedtime story, there will be life that is sparked in that moment and it will awaken me to all that is good about life. I hope to remember that waking up and trying again is resilient. That embracing joy and holding it for others to experience is how we endure. I hope to be someone who helps others endure.
*Today, I am extremely grateful for a friend/family member who turned my head in the direction of a Ted Radio Hour podcast that was extremely inspiring and insightful. My heart feels lighter from having listened to various brave and dedicated people discuss topics such as; altruism, forgiveness, and endurance.
Beautiful, sweetheart ?