Sike. It’s never over when you’re going through IVF. However, the wait is over with regards to the question, ‘How many embryos do we have to transfer?’ And the answer came to me via my cell phone while I was on a walk with our sweet dog, Avery. I yanked my earbuds from my head the instant my podcast turned from voices to a ring and there on the display was that bittersweet number. That number that has brought me both hopeful and devastating news. I never know what’s going to happen when that number reads across my phone. I answered and an embryologist was on the other end informing me that 2 of our 3 embryos made it through the genetic screening and therefore, we have 2 genetically healthy embryos waiting for us. Two. We have two. I called my husband and his lackluster efforts of enthusiasm mirrored my own hesitancy about this news. He was experiencing similar feelings to mine. And they were totally conflicting. How can you feel elated and devastated in the same moment? Two is better than one is better than none. AND…three would have better than two. If we want to take it back even farther…four would be better than three. I temporarily berated him for not expressing deeper gratitude and joy upon my unleashing this news into his hears. And then I realized, the person I was berating was myself. Why couldn’t I feel happier? The answer to that question smacked me across the head. It is because every piece of happy news that we receive during this process, is lined with bad news. The positive outcomes allow us to take deep breaths and keep our hope alive. Almost simultaneously though, there is not so good news that takes our breath away and hope is kept company by deep, impenetrable grief and loss. So, I cried. I didn’t know if I was crying for the relief I felt at knowing we were able to make 2 healthy embryos or the despair I felt for all the embryos lost along the way. And maybe I cried because of everything it has taken for us to get to this moment. My tears might also have been for our two embryos and the knowledge that I may never know one or either of them. I didn’t expect to feel so attached to embryos. For that reason, I will likely opt out of knowing their respective genders. It will only attach me further.
‘I didn’t want to create life this way.’ I keep hearing that thought echoing through my mind as if it is a plea to the universe. When I called my mom to give her this news (and wish her a ‘Happy Birthday!’), I told her that this was not the dream I had for bringing a child into the world. The little girl inside of me did not hope to be sitting down one day with two frozen embryos and the decision of which one to give life to. I did not want it to be this way. This was not a part of my dreams for creating a family. And yet, here we are. Fortunately, we will have professional and clinical guidance on which embryo to transfer. I imagine it will be our 5AB because it’s graded slightly higher than the other one. I do not know for sure. What I know with certainty is that this is an incredibly painful day for me. Even with the promise of hope from our 2 embryos, it is still a painful day.
The wait is over for this chapter of our IVF journey. We have to look forward soon. I have already been placed back on the Nuva Ring and we will have our Dopplar Ultrasound and Trial Embryo Transfer one week from today, as well as blood work to assess my thyroid and vitamin D levels. My body will soon be prepped to receive one of these embryos and hopefully there will be no delays, but I know that my blood work results could easily deter us. We will have to wait and see. Waiting is always a guarantee.
*I am grateful for the incredible science that allows us this opportunity to try to become parents again. It is humbling and truly amazing to have this technology available to us.