Good Bye Donuts, Happy Birthday to Our Daughter!

Holy hiatus. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been in this space. And A LOT has happened in the weeks that have passed since I last wrote here. First, I will blame what I now know to be ‘brain fog.’ Second, I have been preparing for our daughter’s 4th birthday and have used any energy and clarity I could muster to create something meaningful for her.

Where to begin…

Since today is our girl’s birthday, I will begin there. She is 4. How can that be? I remember her birth so clearly that it seems impossible to me for four years to have passed from that moment to the present. I have been with her through everything. A role I signed up for when I left my paid work/career and dedicated my work to her and to our family. She has been the greatest happiness of my life. Her birthday presents challenges for me this year. I celebrate her life and who she is AND I grieve the years that have passed because time will never stop and she will never be 3 again…or 2…or 1. She will never be a tiny baby cooing at me from inside the cradle of my arms. I grieve the passage of time with each birthday. But, this year I grieve the hope that I’d had for her new role as a ‘big sister.’ I’ve dreamed that she could identify herself this way…at least by her 4th birthday. She cannot. It’s another lump of sadness for me to either swallow or shout out into the universe. I refuse to let that grief go down within me, so I’m going to let it out here: I am disappointed…disheartened, sad, frustrated, irritated, confused, and plain-old angry that she is not a ‘big sister’ yet. I hate it. I can’t do anything more about it than what I am already doing, but I still hate it. I know in my heart that she is meant to have a sibling. Whether or not she even likes this tiny being that I so desperately envision joining our family, she will be changed and re-invented over and over in her life because of that relationship. She will have a shared experience that nobody else in the world will understand other than her…and her sibling.

So, I’m pissed. I am also still hopeful…after a couple of weeks where my hope seemed to be waning again. I am more hopeful than ever because I have a new diagnosis and now a new way of living.

Backing up a bit, I have felt sick since the 4th of July. Horrible stomach cramps and intestinal stuff, as well as debilitating headaches. Right in the middle of that time, I had to have my blood drawn to re-test my thyroid levels, as well as my vitamin D levels. I received a confused and semi-frustrated phone call from my nurse as she revealed to me that my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level was high…again. It had taken us months and months of altering my thyroid medications (that I was incredibly hesitant to go on in the first place) until it finally registered as ‘within normal range’ back in March. And then suddenly, we were back to square one. She recommended I meet with an Endocrinologist and talked about our transfer possibly being delayed until my TSH was closer to a 2.5. I was devastated. And sick.

My Endocrinologist appointment was a welcomed breath of fresh air. He immediately asked me if I’d been screened for Celiac Disease. I told him I’d been tested for gluten sensitivity over the past couple of years and I’d even live a gluten-free lifestyle for 4 months last year. He recommended a panel to test for Celiac based on my current symptoms, as well as some family history of gluten sensitivity, and my semi-erratic TSH levels. He also told me that he could keep me on track for this transfer and that I would be able to safely carry a pregnancy. I wanted to cry with the relief that filled my heart.

Two days later, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease and I said ‘good-bye’ to gluten. Forever. The day before that, I was given a new nurse (a ‘transfer nurse’) and I was informed that the soonest I could do a transfer with my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) would be September 5th…one week AFTER I was told the transfer would be happening. At the time, my husband asked an important and interesting question. He wondered why the news of being diagnosed with Celiac Disease seemed to be an easier piece of news to accept than finding out that our FET (frozen embryo transfer) would be delayed by one week? I cried my eyes out when I learned that we’d be transferring in September as opposed to August. I felt relief when I was told I’d have to change my eating habits for the rest of my life.

I suppose the answer is this: having a diagnosis provides me clarity and focus. I now know what I can and cannot eat to feel healthy and to live my life. If I want to feel good, I cannot eat gluten. My body doesn’t process it well anymore. That limitation actually makes me feel free. I am free from second-guessing myself about whether or not I should or could be eating gluten. I’ve wondered for a long time if my body didn’t really like it. Now I know. As for the change in our transfer date, it felt like one more thing I have no control over and a reminder that this process will continue to go on. I will have to keep fighting…longer. And the fighting is exhausting. It’s been especially hard these past few weeks as I’ve felt so sick. I’m hopeful that I will feel much better and the pep will return to my step as we prepare for a pregnancy. I am working my ass off to get my TSH lower and to change my diet. We’ve been given a transfer date of September 5th…my husband’s birthday! I will begin my new protocol in August. I know this transfer is not guaranteed to happen. I know it could all be called off. Reminding myself of this is the only way to grasp any sanity around a process that is constantly begging to throw me down on the ground.

As I sit here today, my symptoms have improved and I have much to learn about my new lifestyle. I’m open to that and I don’t feel sadness about having to let go of gluten. We’ll see if I still feel the same way the next time my family orders an Uno’s pizza from Chicago. I might feel sad then. Ha!

Also, ‘Happy Birthday’ to my amazing daughter. May I always find magic in the world the way she does.

*Today, I am grateful for my 4-year-old daughter and the incredible person she is. When I think of her, I feel her warmth and silliness, and also her deep connection to people and the world around her. She lights up most rooms she walks into and I am proud to be her mother.