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Unclear

/October 16, 2018/ 35 Comments

This space feels impossible to fill right now. I stare at the screen and am flooded with too many memories. Too many moments have passed. My heart aches with the anniversaries that have come and gone. Small victories that have given me life in the darkest of times over the past few months. Do I write about how difficult it’s been to care for my son? Do I open the door to the place where infertility still attaches itself to me and my family? Or expose my frustration about women’s issues in our country that are so glaringly in my face right now?

I don’t know.

I have much to say. My thoughts overwhelm me. Feelings are twisted together and one does not separate from another.

Something Brené Brown wrote recently is echoing though my mind. ‘Clear is kind.’ She is not the first to say these words, but she has placed them in the forefront of my mind. I have struggled to come back to my writing because I have felt such a lack of clarity in my life. Maybe the sleep deprivation? Maybe the fatigue of caring for my son? Maybe the re-experience of trauma that current cultural events has triggered? Maybe all of it? Maybe more? Maybe.

For the record, I do believe that to be clear is to be kind. Kind to myself, kind to others. Mumbling, wavering, waffling, not using my voice with confidence…never feels good. It doesn’t feel like taking care of myself and it doesn’t feel like a good way to connect with and engage others around me.

What sucks (and I hope I’m not alone) is that motherhood has the ability to spin me into a place where I am unclear. It tests all of my hypotheses and many times feels like it just shits on my preconceived ideas about how and what to do. That’s blunt, but so true. A lot of times I feel powerless. And how is it possible to feel both overwhelmed and bored simultaneously? No other work that I have done baffles me that way. Oh, and I lose myself to my children’s needs quite often. All of this and more leaves me feeling unclear, unfocused, unsure.

I suppose the clearest that I can be in any given moment is to just speak my uncertainty. I don’t always need to know what I’m doing to be clear about the fact that I have feelings, thoughts, and experiences worthy of sharing. That I share, that I choose to do so with as much honesty and integrity as my tired self can muster…that is what feels real to me. That is what feels kindest to me.

So, instead of trying to change the impossibility of this blog for me right now and instead of hoping for more clarity about what to write…I’m just going to write and be clear about the brain fog that is so real for me right now. It is so real that it has kept me from coming here and I just can’t have that anymore. Because if I am being clear with myself, I would like to write no matter how overwhelmed my little heart is. If I am being clear with you, I need your patience and I hope you are able to be kind to yourself and others too.

Always here,

Jessica

*I am grateful for my son’s laughter. It is a sound that builds my confidence and eases my worries.

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