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Abandonment

/May 5, 2020/ 21 Comments

The last time I tried to write on this blog was almost 2 months ago. I have the draft to prove it. The time before that, 6 months ago. Before that…1 year. This sacred space that holds my thoughts, feelings, dreams…this space that holds me – I have abandoned.

I abandoned my writing because I am afraid of criticism. I know there are a few people reading this post. Anyone who stumbles upon it can actually read it, as well. I am afraid of their opinions about me. I am afraid of your opinion, if you are reading this. Also, I am afraid of MY opinion of me. Have you ever said something or written something and had it played back to you later on? Like, months or years kinda later on? It makes me squirm in my seat to re-read things I’ve written. Not always, but a lot. And that is because I am aim to please and to gather consensus. I would rather abandon myself than displease someone. (Although my husband may disagree with this sentiment…but he is my safest place, so he gets ALLLL of me. Sorry, love. Or you’re welcome?)

I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not sure what this blog is going to be about, specifically. It was born from my internal struggles with fertility and motherhood and it has been sitting here calling to me like a long lost friend. I have ignored it because I have been willing to abandon it and me in order to be safe inside the illusion that I don’t have the RIGHT words to say. Or the RIGHT skills to put those words down and send them on their way. I think about the people who have inspired me and have no idea how their words or creative skill or just their being in the world has saved me time and again. I’d like to think that those people must have had an ‘F’ it moment too and decided that they too could no longer abandon themselves.

How grateful we all can be for those brave individuals who decided it was no longer worth it to hide themselves.

My inner critic shows up towards the end of my writing, when I can feel the steam releasing and my heart starts to steady. She questions me like a well-intentioned mother, ‘Are you sure you want to say that? Is that really ok to share with other people? Don’t you want to try and say it differently…maybe re-read it a hundred times and make sure it’s exactly right?’ She has good intentions, but her concern reminds me of my Grandmother and the way she used to interlace her fingers and wring them together as she worried about all of the things. I come from a long line of worriers and so I know that this is one aspect of myself that I will have to work with in order to keep it from becoming a real barrier.

I know that I am a writer and that there are things inside of me that have to come out. For me blogging is a way of connecting to people and saying, ‘Here I am! Here’s my heart and all of the things inside of me that I want to share right now! Please, listen…see me, oh and please, please share yourself too!’

So, this is me, again. Starting…again. No apologies, no expectations. Just my words and a total commitment to abandon myself less.

abandonment brave fertility motherhood

21 Comment

  1. Welcome home to your blog 👏🏻Writing IS one of your superpowers. All will be received with love 💕

  5. A lot of authors struggle to look back at their previous work with an accepting eye. It’s because they grew in the intervening time, both in terms of ability and perspective. So have no fear when your old writing gives you the squirmies, that’s just proof you’re growing and evolving. I love your writing. As it is, as it was and as it will be.

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